At the end of June my daddy passed away. He was my favorite person in the world. He was my teacher, my best friend, my shelter. I also have come to understand that he was a great example of what our heavenly Father is like. Of course he is human and had faults, but he was such a great dad and a godly man.
That terrible day and the days shortly after, I was pretty strong. I held on to God's promises and the peace He gives that passes understanding. I can attest that that peace really does pass all understanding because it was crazy how much comfort I felt. I wasn't angry at God. I knew that my dad went in his sleep, and I am so thankful he didn't have to suffer through sickness or have any pain. He knew Jesus so well and I can rest assured that he is chilling out with Him in heaven right this second.
Until these last few days, I never really had time to sit and think about it. Everything was such a whirlwind. One day I had a feeling (my grandma did too so it feels kind of confirmed by God) that God took him now to save him from something worse down the road. I feel that so strongly and that gives me so much peace. But sometimes this past week when it got quiet and I was alone, I got angry. Why did God have to take my dad now? I'm just 21. We were going to go hiking. We were going to go to the ocean. We had so many other plans. One day he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding. It hurts so bad to think about the "nevers".
I felt so guilty being mad at God. I was just finally dealing with all these emotions. Once I admitted it I realized my anger was due to confusion mixed with sadness mixed with abandoning my quiet time with God. I gave the devil a chance to sneak in and fill my head with anger and confusion, and he took it. The morning after admitting my anger, I read from the Psalms of Gratitude study on the She Reads Truth app. The Psalm was 103 and it brought me right back to the God I blamed for my breaking heart. It removed the anger and confusion and replaced them with love and thankfulness. Also (this is a testament to God's awesome timing) on July 18th SRT started the Mourning and Dancing Bible study. God knew I needed this and it brings me to tears when I think about how he takes care of me. It has helped me so much, and I highly recommend it if you are dealing with loss/pain/hurt in any way.
With all that being said, here are the things God has taught me through all this as well as a list of Bible verses that helped me. I hope if any of you are experiencing loss or hurt of any kind this post points you to God and comforts you.
1. Life keeps moving on.
Not just in the sense that bills still have to be paid and responsibilities don't go away, but your happiness
2. My mom is the strongest person I know.
Of course she has been sad. Neither of us take this pain lightly, we just know we have a good God and that we had a great husband/father. We hurt, but we're carrying on. She keeps saying she copes because she doesn't have any regrets about their relationship. My parents loved each other. They were best friends. We were so blessed, and this gives so much comfort. I love her so much, and we can make it together.
3. You can let memories comfort you or destroy you.
When I think about times with my dad or do things/ go places that remind me of him, it's like I can feel him near me. Most of the time, I am filled with joy from those memories. Other times, they tear me apart. I get so sad that they will never happen again that I can't breathe. I also remember times when I could have spent more time with him and cry because I wish I could relive those moments and do it better. I have to choose daily to let the memories make me feel happy. I know I am going to be sad sometimes, but actively choosing to be comforted by these memories helps the pain.
4. God's timing isn't a cat and mouse game.
During the time I was angry with God I asked Him so much "Why did you do this to me?" I know He is in control so why did this have to happen now? I felt like everything was a game and we were just at the mercy of an unseen power. I know this was the devil trying to mess with my mind, but I had to deal with my doubt to overcome it. Jesus is good. Period. I know that "everything happens for a reason" is a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason, because it's true. God is fair. He does not want to see his children hurt. Sometimes bad things just happen, but if we let Him, He is more than willing to be our Comforter.
5. Bad things happen. It doesn't mean God isn't good.
Sometimes this is hard to digest, but when you let God in, you can't help but see His love and how much He cares about His kids. I am still learning how to explain this, but it is something I know deep down.
6. I will never fully heal or understand all of this.
This pain will get easier, but it will always be there. I may never know the reason my dad died when he did, but that's okay. I don't have to have all the answers. I just want to be happy and keep celebrating life. That's what my dad would want me to do. That's what God wants all of us to do.
Bible Verses
- Philippians 4:4-7
- Matthew 5:4
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
- John 16:20, 33
- 1 Peter 1:6-9
- Psalm 103:1-22 (especially v. 4, 11-19)
- Matthew 6:25
[This is the verse my dad wrote on the top of his Sunday school notes the night before he died. His lesson was titled "Making plans, do not worry." He was taking care of us and didn't even know it. ]
